[In… her own way. Of course. That… gives Hayame pause, as she debates for the umpteenth time whether it was even wise to be asking these questions. If she shouldn’t be asking them of someone else. But who else was there? It wasn’t as if… it wasn’t as if Hayame had ever known a normal woman, or had a normal friendship.
Despite the awkward wording of her question… it at least had nothing to do with feelings about what is natural or who one should love or sleep with. Well, alright, she would find it strange to marry sometimes, if the sex were the same, because what’s the point if you aren’t begetting heirs, or if the rank were too dissimilar, because what use is the political alliance, but…
Hayame not being all that better from dwarves apparently aside, what she’s really trying to ask is…]
How did-
[She feels like such a stupid filly. She should have just gone back to bed-]
[ Because it's colored in the misery of their circumstance, of Akua's folly, and her attempts at redemption — and the fact that it wasn't something she could simply earn. There was no coming back from her path, as she'd learned, so how could love factor into it?
Did she love her, even still? Yes, but it was a complex love. It was not the simple things that they spoke of in stories, and attributed to knights. She was Praesi, and thus she could never be simple. ]
She was my rival before she was ally and warden. There is a certain kind of love in being enemies, too. I dreamed of dominating her for so long, that perhaps one could say that I loved her since we were only girls.
If you told me it was not, I would ask you to stop lying to me.
[Love has never seemed simple to her. It was presented as such, in the ballads, of course, the only potential struggles coming less from feelings and more from forces that might try to keep destined or desperate lovers apart...
But that could not be true. Not if she was loving. If Akua was, too, apparently. In a different way.]
Is. That is love... and not just desire, or obsession?
[After a long moment, realizing what it might sound like-]
I do not say it to cast doubt on what you felt. I am just-
[Is it? No one had ever set her down and told her what love was. She'd had an Armless broodmare who died foaling, not a mother who held her or talked her through the struggles of first loves as she grew... There had been no female friends with which to talk things over with, no... also, no one to fall in love with, because every man (and woman) around her was-]
That is why... I ask.
I thought it was supposed to be... Of course you desire them, you wish to... to share a pillow with them... and spend your heats with them... but surely...
Wanting to share a pillow and have sex is lust, darling.
[ She said it matter-of-factly. ]
Mind, I understand the confusion, as greater scholars than I have been confused between the two. Lust and Love can come together, or be separate, or even not exist at all, when it comes to relationships of this nature.
[ Which, Praes was pretty good about understanding, actually. Akua had seen every spectrum of it, but even so, her picture of love was...still warped. ]
Love is... something that means that you value them. More than simply heat, or lust. Whether that is their presence, their insight, the challenge they provide... there is no singular definition.
Why, one of my valued friends, Masego, does not desire the person he cares most deeply for carnally, but they value each other deeply in other ways. They... love each other, even without the shared pillow or heats.
[Where she comes from probably has to do with how she reacts to that word being paired with her and her desires, but… she seems to have surprised herself with how close to a snap that had been, knowing such a thing misplaced. She-]
It is about… it is about trust.
[Or she would have far many notches on her proverbial bedpost than III, and none of them until months into life in Kenos.]
I can… I weathered every heat all by myself. All of them, every season but winter, every damn moon, from the moment I flowered.
[And she had refused to let lust rule her, or win, or even let her desire anyone in a fantasy, and she had rejected it as dirty, as bestial like humans did, and so to hear it now-]
I will never… I would never allow myself to desire someone I did not trust… !
[No, gods, she can’t tell tell Akua she never even thought of her lover as handsome or sexually desirable when they first met… can she? That’s so rude seeming…]
… I know there can be love without lust. Or. I had hoped there could be. I just… wanted to know if there was some easy way to tell.
… But there is no easy way, I suppose.
I apologize.
It was likely foolish of me to ask in the first place.
For me, for example, I respect and am challenged by both you and Set, and while... [ A soft laugh. ] There is no lack of affection, romantic love is... different.
You are the only person who can answer it. Whether or not you feel love. It is not something you have to be right or wrong about, either.
[She wants to protest, that she isn't a fool who would think there is, but... Perhaps it will only dig her own grave deeper. Make her sound like some maiden who hadn't known anything about love at all, to the point where she would ask who she did and expect understanding to come to her.
... Well, it was probably too late for that.
They are both Iconoclasts, so there is little use hiding how... sullen Hayame feels. Should she ask... no, Liem did not wish to hear of such affairs, and there was... no, not him, either, so-]
... Thank you. For your advice.
[She will still say that, though. She had bothered the other woman in the middle of the night. And even if she feels no closer to the answer to the question she'd truly wanted to ask... there was the matter of the lead-in question, which was. Still important.]
I will take you up on your offer, by the way. About the.
[ They have a deep connection, between their shared aspect. She reaches out with her mind, and shares with her the path to a pharmacy, makes sure it is from familiar, well-trodden landmarks. There is also a note of sympathy, as she knows she did not really answer the question.
Unfortunately, she knows that Hayame would need to answer it herself. And if she did not, then it would not be so. If she did, and found later that she did not, yes, even then. She will have learned more about herself.
Though, she also knew, she was different than most here. Praesi did not have such...emotional attachments most of the time. Her mother had not. Masego's fathers had, but... the Warlock had always been rather unusual. Given the group he ran with, that was not surprising. ]
You will find your answer, I am sure of it, Hayame.
No. Hayame shoves that weak thought back down where it belonged. She did not need anyone to go with her. She can tackle the fears of womanhood all by herself. In fact- In fact, no one seeing her balk over buying such things was for the best. Akua was doing her a favor.]
[She "folds" the directions and puts them away for later. She had already thanked Akua for her advice, so she does not know what to say to her surety... so she goes with an impression of a nod, acknowledging it before she readies to "go".]
Apologies for disturbing you this late. Rest well when you do.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Despite the awkward wording of her question… it at least had nothing to do with feelings about what is natural or who one should love or sleep with. Well, alright, she would find it strange to marry sometimes, if the sex were the same, because what’s the point if you aren’t begetting heirs, or if the rank were too dissimilar, because what use is the political alliance, but…
Hayame not being all that better from dwarves apparently aside, what she’s really trying to ask is…]
How did-
[She feels like such a stupid filly. She should have just gone back to bed-]
How did you know… ?
no subject
[ Because it's colored in the misery of their circumstance, of Akua's folly, and her attempts at redemption — and the fact that it wasn't something she could simply earn. There was no coming back from her path, as she'd learned, so how could love factor into it?
Did she love her, even still? Yes, but it was a complex love. It was not the simple things that they spoke of in stories, and attributed to knights. She was Praesi, and thus she could never be simple. ]
She was my rival before she was ally and warden. There is a certain kind of love in being enemies, too. I dreamed of dominating her for so long, that perhaps one could say that I loved her since we were only girls.
[ Praesi.............. ]
no subject
[Love has never seemed simple to her. It was presented as such, in the ballads, of course, the only potential struggles coming less from feelings and more from forces that might try to keep destined or desperate lovers apart...
But that could not be true. Not if she was loving. If Akua was, too, apparently. In a different way.]
Is. That is love... and not just desire, or obsession?
[After a long moment, realizing what it might sound like-]
I do not say it to cast doubt on what you felt. I am just-
I am trying to... understand.
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[ She asked, an owlish blink in communion. ]
It is all the same, to us.
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[Is it? No one had ever set her down and told her what love was. She'd had an Armless broodmare who died foaling, not a mother who held her or talked her through the struggles of first loves as she grew... There had been no female friends with which to talk things over with, no... also, no one to fall in love with, because every man (and woman) around her was-]
That is why... I ask.
I thought it was supposed to be... Of course you desire them, you wish to... to share a pillow with them... and spend your heats with them... but surely...
I do not know.
Is it not...
Is it the "challenge" again?
[Like Akua had said before. About friendship.]
no subject
[ She said it matter-of-factly. ]
Mind, I understand the confusion, as greater scholars than I have been confused between the two. Lust and Love can come together, or be separate, or even not exist at all, when it comes to relationships of this nature.
[ Which, Praes was pretty good about understanding, actually. Akua had seen every spectrum of it, but even so, her picture of love was...still warped. ]
Love is... something that means that you value them. More than simply heat, or lust. Whether that is their presence, their insight, the challenge they provide... there is no singular definition.
Why, one of my valued friends, Masego, does not desire the person he cares most deeply for carnally, but they value each other deeply in other ways. They... love each other, even without the shared pillow or heats.
1/3
It is not about lust. Not to me.
[Where she comes from probably has to do with how she reacts to that word being paired with her and her desires, but… she seems to have surprised herself with how close to a snap that had been, knowing such a thing misplaced. She-]
It is about… it is about trust.
[Or she would have far many notches on her proverbial bedpost than III, and none of them until months into life in Kenos.]
I can… I weathered every heat all by myself. All of them, every season but winter, every damn moon, from the moment I flowered.
[And she had refused to let lust rule her, or win, or even let her desire anyone in a fantasy, and she had rejected it as dirty, as bestial like humans did, and so to hear it now-]
I will never… I would never allow myself to desire someone I did not trust… !
no subject
No, Akua didn’t it like that, probably, so she bites her tongue for a moment, trying to…
Refocus.]
… Excuse me.
[“Sorry”?]
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I am.
… Confused.
Until he… I did not even…
[No, gods, she can’t tell tell Akua she never even thought of her lover as handsome or sexually desirable when they first met… can she? That’s so rude seeming…]
… I know there can be love without lust. Or. I had hoped there could be. I just… wanted to know if there was some easy way to tell.
… But there is no easy way, I suppose.
I apologize.
It was likely foolish of me to ask in the first place.
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What you want from someone is trust, and therefore, you have it.
[ It perhaps, should be be so simple, but to Akua... it is. Why wouldn't it be? ]
You value it, after all, yes?
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[Doesn't everyone? She almost asks that. Until she remembers she’s asking a Praesi and a chaotic war god about how they knew they were in love.
Sigh.]
I… I do not know.
I trust… Liem Talbott, for example, but I do not… love him…
[Not… romantically??? Ugh, this is so stupid-]
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For me, for example, I respect and am challenged by both you and Set, and while... [ A soft laugh. ] There is no lack of affection, romantic love is... different.
You are the only person who can answer it. Whether or not you feel love. It is not something you have to be right or wrong about, either.
no subject
... Well, it was probably too late for that.
They are both Iconoclasts, so there is little use hiding how... sullen Hayame feels. Should she ask... no, Liem did not wish to hear of such affairs, and there was... no, not him, either, so-]
... Thank you. For your advice.
[She will still say that, though. She had bothered the other woman in the middle of the night. And even if she feels no closer to the answer to the question she'd truly wanted to ask... there was the matter of the lead-in question, which was. Still important.]
I will take you up on your offer, by the way. About the.
The "pharmacy".
[Just. You know. In case. Just in case.]
no subject
[ They have a deep connection, between their shared aspect. She reaches out with her mind, and shares with her the path to a pharmacy, makes sure it is from familiar, well-trodden landmarks. There is also a note of sympathy, as she knows she did not really answer the question.
Unfortunately, she knows that Hayame would need to answer it herself. And if she did not, then it would not be so. If she did, and found later that she did not, yes, even then. She will have learned more about herself.
Though, she also knew, she was different than most here. Praesi did not have such...emotional attachments most of the time. Her mother had not. Masego's fathers had, but... the Warlock had always been rather unusual. Given the group he ran with, that was not surprising. ]
You will find your answer, I am sure of it, Hayame.
1/2
No. Hayame shoves that weak thought back down where it belonged. She did not need anyone to go with her. She can tackle the fears of womanhood all by herself. In fact- In fact, no one seeing her balk over buying such things was for the best. Akua was doing her a favor.]
no subject
[She "folds" the directions and puts them away for later. She had already thanked Akua for her advice, so she does not know what to say to her surety... so she goes with an impression of a nod, acknowledging it before she readies to "go".]
Apologies for disturbing you this late. Rest well when you do.
no subject