[Hayame is usually a force within Communion, compensating for the vulnerabilities inherent in that form of communication with blizzards, winds, and cold. Akua has been spared some of that, at times. But this is likely the first time that Hayame comes... quietly. Almost tip-toeing, if she had toes and not hooves. A lingering presence at Akua's door not realizing she is probably noticeable as she hesitates...
[ Akua is, in fact awake. Behind the door of communion, in her heated sands of communion, there's a frantic energy. Like bursts of creative and calculated force b behind her "door". Like Hayame is knocking on the door of a creative savant, but when the mental door opens, Akua is more calm, as if her attention has been pulled away from these sharp, bursts of frantic energy. ]
Yes, Hayayme.
[ She says, half expectantly. She does not ask if the Jinba is alright, for Hayame is not panicking, but there is the warm expectation of invitation. A floor for her to speak at. ]
[What... is that strange sensation? She had been worried she might be rousing the other woman from sleep, or perhaps even potentially interrupting something more private, but... ? The sensation that she was somehow busy or... active?
Even once invited in, she lingers with a bit of... what is that? They are both Iconoclasts, so despite her best efforts, Akua might feel her awkwardness. Embarrassment?]
If... If you are busy, I can speak to you another time.
[ Akua supposes that Hayame has never been near her when she is... working. There's a muting of that sensation, as if she is trying to tip away from it. ]
Please, feel free. I could use a break.
[ It is not a physical wiping of her hands off, but Hayame can feel as if she's pulling away, as if she had been creating, but was now wiping her hands off. ]
[No... Hayame has always left Akua's work to Akua. Normally she would offer her services, because to do otherwise would be a dereliction, but when it is magic... What can someone like her to? (It feels...)
But if she does not focus she will falter, and this is too important, she-]
I...
[Even if she thinks Akua will not, she has to add-]
I must beg you do not take offense when I ask, but. Akua, you... do you-
[!!!!!!!!!!!!!]
Do you... share intimacies with men that are not Set... ?
[And considering their Aspects, it was... somewhat difficult for Hayame to conceal the fact that she might be Flashbacking by accident just then, to a certain room in the labyrinth, to Akua's own home and the soft embrace of cushions and hands, but
Ahem,]
But. I meant to ask if, then... You might be able to answer the question of. If a woman in this place need be mindful not to fall prey to the... more ruinous consequences of such relations.
[... Just say "get pregnant", Hayame. "Can shard-bearers get pregnant"? Are they... shards? Or souls? Or... she's tried so hard not to think about it because its so dysphoric for her, but-]
I believe I have heard rumor of some who have descended from bearers. [ An implied shrug. ]
I suppose it is possible. I simply take a remedy for such things. I think the apothecaries about could satisfy your need to be cautious, were you concerned.
[Hayame had heard the same, and that is why she feels she needs to ask. Was it... Could it-
"Simply"... Akua, please, you're talking to a woman who goes into heat every month and who comes from a world with not much birth control beyond "I don't know, pull out?"
She would rather be facing a 5-on-1 battle than having this conversation, and Akua could potentially feel it, but. She also... should not ask this of the other women then be so cowardly so as to not see it through, so-]
I... have recently come to have an item in my possession that has the ability to make me. Human. In shape.
Of course, I will use it for the sake of our duties to Meridian, but.
If... something else were to happen. It seemed prudent to know.
I did not know you indulged so frequently, dear heart.
[ Hayame? Sleep around? Okay, so. Like.
She knows that she and Hayame have indulged in one another more than once, but both had been of particular circumstances, and she doubts that Hayame did so with others frequently.
Or perhaps she did? She had been so much bolder the last time, hadn't she? ]
Should I take you to the apothecary, then? If you can appear as such, perhaps it would be prudent to acquaint you, if you are concerned.
I was not under the impression that I was tempting you away from anything. You can offer my sincerest apologies [ They are not sincere ] toward whomever I have tempted you away from.
Being Iconoclasts is not enough to save Hayame from accidentally thinking Akua might be serious just because she herself considered this so seriously.]
I did not mean to imply-
It was… during the Oracle trial, the fault was mine. I do not blame you, I-
I was relieved, that if I had to meet another in that state… that it was you.
I simply meant…
… And. We have not spoken of my disloyalty, so there is no… no ill will towards you, anyway…
I had-
[She cringes slightly, conflicted over the word and what it seems to imply, bht…]
[ There's something in her tone. It's somewhere between 'why do you need permission' to 'who dares to try to allow you to do what you wish' and in communion, and with their iconoclast bond, it's easy to read these from her tone. There is, of course, such a thing as fidelity in Calernia of course, but it is far less common in Praes -- villains did not Trust, after all -- but more than that.
They had frankly far more libertine opinions about sex and relationships than Hayame had. That was certain. Akua's own object of affection, a woman she thought she might have loved, held multiple lovers at once, and Akua had not been one of them.
She did not consider anything that she did as... disloyal herself, but on top of that: ]
Then it is not disloyalty, is it? If you had "permission"? Not that I think that you should need it to take what you desire.
[She was right, it was wrong... But what was the right one? It was supposed to be one that did not warrant or elicit the impression she gets from Akua, then. One that she herself would give a woman, perhaps, who said something similar... But-]
This is not going correctly...
[In her head, she had practiced a few times before approaching the other woman, but now...]
We. We spoke... about what it meant in my lands, for a woman to take her hair down. And they said... I was free to take my hair down with whoever I chose.
[... Because she was free, now. Because she should be allowed to take what she desires. But it had felt so confusing, to a woman used to the idea of monogamy being the only path women were allowed, to men not forgiving such things. So what-]
So... There should... There should be no ill wills. "Disloyalty" is... my own issue. I meant to reassure you...
[ Her tone is thoughtful, as she considers this. Hayame is... from a unique, different world than she. A place where there were so many more... rules — and this comes from a woman who if she starts to monologue, understands she will be defeated — that do not make sense to her. Propriety that didn't make sense, things that she thought should be left to rot in the snows that reflect Hayame's communion.
She does not say that, though. She only nods, in communion. ]
You should only do what you wish. If it will be easier, should I encourage you elsewhere, were you to be in need again?
[ Akua does not like this, the idea of being "disloyal". That Hayame would consider their dalliances so makes her wonder — would she even enjoy it? Even though her expressions during the oracle had suggested that she did... She wonders. Is it truly as enjoyable as she'd suggested? ]
[There were so many rules... and she had only told the people she speaks to here a tenth of them at most. How she should wear her hair, how she should hand a severed head to her master, how she should dress, how she should speak... And most importantly, the tenants of loyalty so important to a warrior. To women, too, in a different way. Here, she lives a life with one hoof still in that world, and one in Kenos. Some part of her longs for the familiar and yet chafes beneath its oppression, and yet the freedoms and pleasures she could enjoy here called, likewise, leaving her...
Conflicted. At times. But perhaps the most troublesome... was the heart of a maiden hidden beneath the hard steel of a warrior that had needed to be cold in order to survive. Somehow, that bit of her hearts had survived.]
Akua, I-
[The part that makes it clear, even through Communion, that Hayame is blushing. In her home in Alenroux, curled up next to someone else who slumbers while she fitfully remains awake... She is blushing. In order to try and not mess up the words she takes time to answer, it comes slowly, because she hadn't expected her bungles to lead to this turn in topic, but-]
I have only... ever been with three people.
[Akua, Set, and the man she had kissed before parting within the tunnels of the labyrinth not knowing all the citizens of Springstar, Highstorm, Alenroux, and Kowloon would see. By her world's concepts of goodness in wives and women, it should only have been one. By her world's treatment of jinba mares... It had been a very realistic fear of hers that once she was sold, that number would raise rapidly from "zero" whether she wished it to or not. So now- If she had a choice-]
If I were in that state again, as you found me...
[She cannot discount the possibility. She has experienced it multiple times now, in various ways, her heat or just a mental sort of lust being triggered by outside influences in this magic infested world. Sometimes she had successfully bore with it, suffering alone, and sometimes... the times that had been better...]
I would be... [Will Akua like the word? She doesn't know-]
I could only be grateful if you did not encourage me elsewhere.
[Three is... She would like the number to stay "three", that is what she thinks. She doesn't want to share herself that way with strangers that might happen upon her in desperation, even if it might, purely physically, feel good. She had half-protested to herself against Akua's lips and against her throat when they began to give in during the trial...
[ Akua read the papers, but blissfully, Hayame had been free of any that she had read (though it was such a small thing, a kiss, next to the lurid acts of them, or Kiritsubo, or any of the sensational deaths.) She knew one, for certain. Her impression of a mouth smiled, and it is near-gentle, almost, though from a Praesi, like her, it's nearly dangerous.
Only because it is rare from her. ]
Then I would be honored if you have need to trust me again.
[ There's the sense of a bowed head. ] I only do not want to be something you are ashamed of, Hayame. We are friends, and if there are benefits to that friendship occasionally, then that is something I am proud of.
[ Once, she had heard Indrani whisper to Cat: That is that, and this is this, between their bedsheets, when they had traveled to the underdark, when they had made love frequently enough Akua had thought they were in love, until she'd seen the way Indrani had looked at Masego, and understood. She understood friendship now, she understood what it meant.
Romantic entaglements to her, had always been games of politics or power. She had indulged when it suited her, but more than that, she used her body as a tool, a promise, something to dangle before those whom she needed something from, and who would be distracted. She had not felt like that with Hayame in some time. It felt... comfortable. Like two friends who had needs, and satisfied them.
[Hayame understood that, at least. What it was to be honored. (More frequently, what it was to be disgraced.) But whichever way she knew… ]
I am not…
[She thinks she will say she is not ashamed, but that… that is not quite true. And Akua would know it was not true, and the lie would cause only doubts. But she has… she cannot allow her to think-]
What I am ashamed of… is not being able to resist the compulsions of magic. Of not… of not knowing what I must do after.
Not… that it is you.
[She hesitates. A long moment. Before,]
Akua, you… You loved that woman of your world, did you not? The one who… the one who killed you?
However she doesn't know where this is going, and the question is present in Communion. She cannot change Hayame's hangups about sex, after all. Or her heat. That is her burden alone to bear, but she would offer what she could, when Hayame asked.
The biggest problem was, that for all of Calernia's status as a backwater continent in the ass crack of creation, they were surprisingly egalitarian. Even Procer, the religious half of the continent wouldn't have even blinked twice at Hayame. The Dwarves might, but. Well. Fuck them. That's why the Herald of the Deeps had destroyed the empire. (Literally. The Most Powerful Dwarf destroyed the Dwarven Empire because they wouldn't let him marry his husband. Go off, king.) ]
[In… her own way. Of course. That… gives Hayame pause, as she debates for the umpteenth time whether it was even wise to be asking these questions. If she shouldn’t be asking them of someone else. But who else was there? It wasn’t as if… it wasn’t as if Hayame had ever known a normal woman, or had a normal friendship.
Despite the awkward wording of her question… it at least had nothing to do with feelings about what is natural or who one should love or sleep with. Well, alright, she would find it strange to marry sometimes, if the sex were the same, because what’s the point if you aren’t begetting heirs, or if the rank were too dissimilar, because what use is the political alliance, but…
Hayame not being all that better from dwarves apparently aside, what she’s really trying to ask is…]
How did-
[She feels like such a stupid filly. She should have just gone back to bed-]
[ Because it's colored in the misery of their circumstance, of Akua's folly, and her attempts at redemption — and the fact that it wasn't something she could simply earn. There was no coming back from her path, as she'd learned, so how could love factor into it?
Did she love her, even still? Yes, but it was a complex love. It was not the simple things that they spoke of in stories, and attributed to knights. She was Praesi, and thus she could never be simple. ]
She was my rival before she was ally and warden. There is a certain kind of love in being enemies, too. I dreamed of dominating her for so long, that perhaps one could say that I loved her since we were only girls.
If you told me it was not, I would ask you to stop lying to me.
[Love has never seemed simple to her. It was presented as such, in the ballads, of course, the only potential struggles coming less from feelings and more from forces that might try to keep destined or desperate lovers apart...
But that could not be true. Not if she was loving. If Akua was, too, apparently. In a different way.]
Is. That is love... and not just desire, or obsession?
[After a long moment, realizing what it might sound like-]
I do not say it to cast doubt on what you felt. I am just-
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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And finally "knocks".]
Akua... ? Are you awake?
[... It is the middle of the night.]
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Yes, Hayayme.
[ She says, half expectantly. She does not ask if the Jinba is alright, for Hayame is not panicking, but there is the warm expectation of invitation. A floor for her to speak at. ]
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Even once invited in, she lingers with a bit of... what is that? They are both Iconoclasts, so despite her best efforts, Akua might feel her awkwardness. Embarrassment?]
If... If you are busy, I can speak to you another time.
It is... my question is very-
[Hnn-]
It is nothing pressing.
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Please, feel free. I could use a break.
[ It is not a physical wiping of her hands off, but Hayame can feel as if she's pulling away, as if she had been creating, but was now wiping her hands off. ]
What is it?
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But if she does not focus she will falter, and this is too important, she-]
I...
[Even if she thinks Akua will not, she has to add-]
I must beg you do not take offense when I ask, but. Akua, you... do you-
[!!!!!!!!!!!!!]
Do you... share intimacies with men that are not Set... ?
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[ She hadn't expected that question. There's an implied tip of her head, as if she's trying to work out what the question means to her. ]
Occasionally, yes. I prefer women over men, though.
[ She says it so blasé, as if there's nothing to it. ]
Though some have caught my eye from time to time. Mostly the sort that challenge me.
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[And considering their Aspects, it was... somewhat difficult for Hayame to conceal the fact that she might be Flashbacking by accident just then, to a certain room in the labyrinth, to Akua's own home and the soft embrace of cushions and hands, but
Ahem,]
But. I meant to ask if, then... You might be able to answer the question of. If a woman in this place need be mindful not to fall prey to the... more ruinous consequences of such relations.
[... Just say "get pregnant", Hayame. "Can shard-bearers get pregnant"? Are they... shards? Or souls? Or... she's tried so hard not to think about it because its so dysphoric for her, but-]
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I believe I have heard rumor of some who have descended from bearers. [ An implied shrug. ]
I suppose it is possible. I simply take a remedy for such things. I think the apothecaries about could satisfy your need to be cautious, were you concerned.
[ A beat. ]
Is there a reason? For you to be concerned?
[ Why else would she be asking? ]
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"Simply"... Akua, please, you're talking to a woman who goes into heat every month and who comes from a world with not much birth control beyond "I don't know, pull out?"
She would rather be facing a 5-on-1 battle than having this conversation, and Akua could potentially feel it, but. She also... should not ask this of the other women then be so cowardly so as to not see it through, so-]
I... have recently come to have an item in my possession that has the ability to make me. Human. In shape.
Of course, I will use it for the sake of our duties to Meridian, but.
If... something else were to happen. It seemed prudent to know.
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I did not know you indulged so frequently, dear heart.
[ Hayame? Sleep around? Okay, so. Like.
She knows that she and Hayame have indulged in one another more than once, but both had been of particular circumstances, and she doubts that Hayame did so with others frequently.
Or perhaps she did? She had been so much bolder the last time, hadn't she? ]
Should I take you to the apothecary, then? If you can appear as such, perhaps it would be prudent to acquaint you, if you are concerned.
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I do not. Indulge that-
I try to-
You are the only one I have been disloyal with, so-
[... This went way better when she ran it in her head.]
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[ Another flicker of amusement. ]
I was not under the impression that I was tempting you away from anything. You can offer my sincerest apologies [ They are not sincere ] toward whomever I have tempted you away from.
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No, that’s not-
Being Iconoclasts is not enough to save Hayame from accidentally thinking Akua might be serious just because she herself considered this so seriously.]
I did not mean to imply-
It was… during the Oracle trial, the fault was mine. I do not blame you, I-
I was relieved, that if I had to meet another in that state… that it was you.
I simply meant…
… And. We have not spoken of my disloyalty, so there is no… no ill will towards you, anyway…
I had-
[She cringes slightly, conflicted over the word and what it seems to imply, bht…]
“Permission”...
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[ There's something in her tone. It's somewhere between 'why do you need permission' to 'who dares to try to allow you to do what you wish' and in communion, and with their iconoclast bond, it's easy to read these from her tone. There is, of course, such a thing as fidelity in Calernia of course, but it is far less common in Praes -- villains did not Trust, after all -- but more than that.
They had frankly far more libertine opinions about sex and relationships than Hayame had. That was certain. Akua's own object of affection, a woman she thought she might have loved, held multiple lovers at once, and Akua had not been one of them.
She did not consider anything that she did as... disloyal herself, but on top of that: ]
Then it is not disloyalty, is it? If you had "permission"? Not that I think that you should need it to take what you desire.
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[She was right, it was wrong... But what was the right one? It was supposed to be one that did not warrant or elicit the impression she gets from Akua, then. One that she herself would give a woman, perhaps, who said something similar... But-]
This is not going correctly...
[In her head, she had practiced a few times before approaching the other woman, but now...]
We. We spoke... about what it meant in my lands, for a woman to take her hair down. And they said... I was free to take my hair down with whoever I chose.
[... Because she was free, now. Because she should be allowed to take what she desires. But it had felt so confusing, to a woman used to the idea of monogamy being the only path women were allowed, to men not forgiving such things. So what-]
So... There should... There should be no ill wills. "Disloyalty" is... my own issue. I meant to reassure you...
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[ Her tone is thoughtful, as she considers this. Hayame is... from a unique, different world than she. A place where there were so many more... rules — and this comes from a woman who if she starts to monologue, understands she will be defeated — that do not make sense to her. Propriety that didn't make sense, things that she thought should be left to rot in the snows that reflect Hayame's communion.
She does not say that, though. She only nods, in communion. ]
You should only do what you wish. If it will be easier, should I encourage you elsewhere, were you to be in need again?
[ Akua does not like this, the idea of being "disloyal". That Hayame would consider their dalliances so makes her wonder — would she even enjoy it? Even though her expressions during the oracle had suggested that she did... She wonders. Is it truly as enjoyable as she'd suggested? ]
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Conflicted. At times. But perhaps the most troublesome... was the heart of a maiden hidden beneath the hard steel of a warrior that had needed to be cold in order to survive. Somehow, that bit of her hearts had survived.]
Akua, I-
[The part that makes it clear, even through Communion, that Hayame is blushing. In her home in Alenroux, curled up next to someone else who slumbers while she fitfully remains awake... She is blushing. In order to try and not mess up the words she takes time to answer, it comes slowly, because she hadn't expected her bungles to lead to this turn in topic, but-]
I have only... ever been with three people.
[Akua, Set, and the man she had kissed before parting within the tunnels of the labyrinth not knowing all the citizens of Springstar, Highstorm, Alenroux, and Kowloon would see. By her world's concepts of goodness in wives and women, it should only have been one. By her world's treatment of jinba mares... It had been a very realistic fear of hers that once she was sold, that number would raise rapidly from "zero" whether she wished it to or not. So now- If she had a choice-]
If I were in that state again, as you found me...
[She cannot discount the possibility. She has experienced it multiple times now, in various ways, her heat or just a mental sort of lust being triggered by outside influences in this magic infested world. Sometimes she had successfully bore with it, suffering alone, and sometimes... the times that had been better...]
I would be... [Will Akua like the word? She doesn't know-]
I could only be grateful if you did not encourage me elsewhere.
[Three is... She would like the number to stay "three", that is what she thinks. She doesn't want to share herself that way with strangers that might happen upon her in desperation, even if it might, purely physically, feel good. She had half-protested to herself against Akua's lips and against her throat when they began to give in during the trial...
But it had been...
Good.]
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[ Akua read the papers, but blissfully, Hayame had been free of any that she had read (though it was such a small thing, a kiss, next to the lurid acts of them, or Kiritsubo, or any of the sensational deaths.) She knew one, for certain. Her impression of a mouth smiled, and it is near-gentle, almost, though from a Praesi, like her, it's nearly dangerous.
Only because it is rare from her. ]
Then I would be honored if you have need to trust me again.
[ There's the sense of a bowed head. ] I only do not want to be something you are ashamed of, Hayame. We are friends, and if there are benefits to that friendship occasionally, then that is something I am proud of.
[ Once, she had heard Indrani whisper to Cat: That is that, and this is this, between their bedsheets, when they had traveled to the underdark, when they had made love frequently enough Akua had thought they were in love, until she'd seen the way Indrani had looked at Masego, and understood. She understood friendship now, she understood what it meant.
Romantic entaglements to her, had always been games of politics or power. She had indulged when it suited her, but more than that, she used her body as a tool, a promise, something to dangle before those whom she needed something from, and who would be distracted. She had not felt like that with Hayame in some time. It felt... comfortable. Like two friends who had needs, and satisfied them.
That felt... good. Different, but good. ]
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I am not…
[She thinks she will say she is not ashamed, but that… that is not quite true. And Akua would know it was not true, and the lie would cause only doubts. But she has… she cannot allow her to think-]
What I am ashamed of… is not being able to resist the compulsions of magic. Of not… of not knowing what I must do after.
Not… that it is you.
[She hesitates. A long moment. Before,]
Akua, you… You loved that woman of your world, did you not? The one who… the one who killed you?
[That… sure is a sentence.]
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[ A pause, and then: ]
She kissed me once.
[ Once. As she drove a blade into her stomach.
However she doesn't know where this is going, and the question is present in Communion. She cannot change Hayame's hangups about sex, after all. Or her heat. That is her burden alone to bear, but she would offer what she could, when Hayame asked.
The biggest problem was, that for all of Calernia's status as a backwater continent in the ass crack of creation, they were surprisingly egalitarian. Even Procer, the religious half of the continent wouldn't have even blinked twice at Hayame. The Dwarves might, but. Well. Fuck them. That's why the Herald of the Deeps had destroyed the empire. (Literally. The Most Powerful Dwarf destroyed the Dwarven Empire because they wouldn't let him marry his husband. Go off, king.) ]
Why do you ask?
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Despite the awkward wording of her question… it at least had nothing to do with feelings about what is natural or who one should love or sleep with. Well, alright, she would find it strange to marry sometimes, if the sex were the same, because what’s the point if you aren’t begetting heirs, or if the rank were too dissimilar, because what use is the political alliance, but…
Hayame not being all that better from dwarves apparently aside, what she’s really trying to ask is…]
How did-
[She feels like such a stupid filly. She should have just gone back to bed-]
How did you know… ?
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[ Because it's colored in the misery of their circumstance, of Akua's folly, and her attempts at redemption — and the fact that it wasn't something she could simply earn. There was no coming back from her path, as she'd learned, so how could love factor into it?
Did she love her, even still? Yes, but it was a complex love. It was not the simple things that they spoke of in stories, and attributed to knights. She was Praesi, and thus she could never be simple. ]
She was my rival before she was ally and warden. There is a certain kind of love in being enemies, too. I dreamed of dominating her for so long, that perhaps one could say that I loved her since we were only girls.
[ Praesi.............. ]
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[Love has never seemed simple to her. It was presented as such, in the ballads, of course, the only potential struggles coming less from feelings and more from forces that might try to keep destined or desperate lovers apart...
But that could not be true. Not if she was loving. If Akua was, too, apparently. In a different way.]
Is. That is love... and not just desire, or obsession?
[After a long moment, realizing what it might sound like-]
I do not say it to cast doubt on what you felt. I am just-
I am trying to... understand.
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